Being Still, Letting Go

Painting © Copyright 2009 Sheryl Karas

When life is chaotic it can feel extremely difficult to find a calm center to relax into and let go. I think this painting I did recently epitomizes that. Too much happening to feel "meditative". But it is a mandala. Breathe in and focus on the very center.

Or close your eyes and begin again.

The mandala above is a challenging place to begin a focused meditation practice. I can't do the practice I suggested above with this piece myself. But that's why I chose it for this article. Living with someone with dementia is like that. The chaotic disrupting influence of the dementia patient's fractured thought process and the worry, frustration and seemingly endless series of problems creates a backdrop that screams for attention even when you find a few minutes of "peace" just for yourself.

Some things in a caregiving situation take a lot of time to work through. Throughout my book I offer lots of suggestions caregivers can do to make things go better. But what about those things that can't be improved? You know what I'm referring to: the endless repeating questions that you just answered 10 minutes ago, finding the roll of tin foil in the refrigerator along with the unwrapped meat that mom insisted on putting away, the obsessive paranoia, the accusations that someone broke in and stole the purse you know will someday show up someplace weird. The list gets longer all the time and no well-meaning guidebook or caregiving professional has an answer for how to deal with it all.

It's natural to obsess on a situation that is this upsetting. And if there IS something you're overlooking -- maybe Mom's medications need to be adjusted? -- it's wise to get a professional opinion.

But, I know, sometimes you've done everything you can think of to do and the craziness doesn't end. Today I had an insight into this. Just going away, closing the door and obsessing on how much you hate the situation you're in does NOT make it better. :-) Yeah, it was an insight. . .  or rather a reminder to be in the present moment. In this perfect moment in time there is no dementia patient in the room. In this perfect moment there is nothing going on that can't wait until someone (not necessarily me) returns.

By really being in the present, I can breathe and return to a feeling of peace myself.

Everyone Has Value, Just Breathing

An old counselor friend of mine from India, who I lost touch with years ago when she moved back, had an enormous impact on the people she worked with when she lived in the United States. Her insight into the U.S. national psyche is that most people she met didn't feel good about themselves. Even worse, this was amplified if they were sick, disabled, unemployed or struggling. She took to asking her clients to lie down while she sat beside them and held their hands. She would tell them to just breathe and when they would protest that they weren't getting "enough work done" in their session with her she'd tell them to think of themselves as a young infant -- a newborn, unable to move or talk, or even lift their own head. And she would say

"Did your mama love you any less for that? No! She was so excited to have you, to welcome you into her life, to just hold you and look at you and smell you! She saw you as a perfect miracle when you were just born and unable to do anything but lie there, breathing. And she was thankful for that."

"Just breathe. You are of value to the world just being here. You are a miracle. You are loveable. You are welcome on this planet. You belong."

"Think of yourself as that little newborn. You are still that same child. And nothing changes that except what you have been taught to believe."

In this video is a graphic example of how valuable a being can be just lying there breathing. It's a tribute to Baxter, a dog who brought joy and comfort to people at the end of their lives even though he couldn't do anything anymore himself but lie in their beds, be held by them and lick their faces.

He died on Friday, October 16, on my birthday. I didn't know him personally but I know he is deeply missed.

Apologizing for 43,000 Deaths

Codependent No More

In my work as a family consultant I frequently thought my clients could benefit from Melody Beattie's best-selling book Codependent No More. It was written with family members of alcoholics in mind but, really, anybody who lives awhile with a person prone to demented behaviors whether it's caused by alcohol, drugs, mental illness or a dementing illness is in the same boat. We're all attempting to cope with the chaos and pain such a situation causes and we frequently develop some pretty intense coping behaviors in which all our attention gets sucked into obsessing about the person who is creating it. It's natural, it's human but it's damaging just the same.

I recently reread this book after not thinking about it for many years. It still holds up and I recommend it for the chapters on how to focus on yourself without guilt and work with your own anger, grief and pain. You may not be able to walk away as might be recommended for someone dealing with an alcoholic. Caring for a person with a dementing illness typically isn't thought of the same way. But please do take seriously the importance of cultivating detachment, a sense of humor, and time for yourself. It makes all the difference!

What Exactly is the Public Option?